Starting over is always challenging. There’s no way around the strange loneliness, grief, joy and energy that it brings. We as humans love routine. Like a chef finding the same hollowed out grooves in a cutting board, or a seamstress’s nimble fingers quickly sewing together a pattern without glancing at her work, trusting the process. We crave the predictable, exactly how many steps to get to the kitchen for that cup of coffee in the morning, exactly how long to turn the alarm off until we absolutely have to roll out of bed for work, and exactly who and what to predict when we get there.

I crave routine. I am satisfied by the rhythm of the relever and sauter ; the chord progression of the rain and of Beethoven’s 5th bring joy, the wake up call of the spring birds and the morning dew and the smell of coffee bring sentimental peace. Yet growth requires more. Growth requires change, demands it even, and if we do not listen we will not find happiness. The only way to true joy is through discomfort, and much to my chagrin, I find myself setting and resetting-in words that were passed down to me, burning through dross and polishing gold. And I can either embrace the cycle of life, the period of life that I am in- or I can become bitter and resentful that I am forced to let go of things that I hold dear, of the past, of the very familiar ways of life that I have become accustomed to. But either way I will be forced to change because that is life, it is simply a question of how I choose to respond.

I have met many grieving family members in my profession. There are many strong emotions associated with the grief of losing a loved one. The loneliness, the fear, the anger all exist simultaneously and beat through our chests like a tsunami. I think we can anticipate the grief, although perhaps not the sheer weight of the heartbreak. I do not think we can anticipate the change, the small daily heartbreak of finding that our routine is suddenly absent of the ones who matter the most to us, the reflexive phone call to someone who no longer exists on this plane.

There is an existential dread and fear of loss that permeates every decision we make as humans, a distrust of the spiritual and a focus on the inevitable, a desperation to avoid change as our heart is being inevitably ripped from our chest over and over again. But change we must-the decision to change was made for us. Yet how we change is up to us. We can either choose to build up, or tear down. We can choose to let go, or to hold onto our own bitter fear until it eats us alive. We can choose to let the grief let us become more empathetic, to become kinder and bolder and braver, or we can choose to become smaller and meaner. It is entirely up to us.